Turtle Woods
Turtle Woods is the first level of Crash Bandicoot IN SPAAAAAAAACE!. As the probable first level that Crashie will enter after being abducted onto Dr. Neo Cortex's space station thing-a-ma-doodle, it tries to be a simplistic and pleasant little excursion through the now-familiar jungles of N. Sanity Island. And if you're just looking to run through and grab the Crystal, then yes, it is simple, and would make perfect gaming fodder for your retarded nephew. But if you're a virginal completionist nerd, then this level has a few nasty surprises in store! You see, in order to murder all the crates present in the woods, Crashgasmic will have to belly flop the flatty stone face in the middle of the path, which will grant him temporary access to President Jerome Papupapudopoulos's secret Flamingostrich farm, a side-scrolling area that is actually rather difficult for the very firsty level! And if that wasn't gay enough, the only way to obtain the extremely Wumportant Suppher Duppher Sapphire is to clear the level with exactly zero point zero zero zero crates crashed! So, like, the only way for Crasheville, North Carolindicoot to fully clear this shitty level is to play it at least twice. And this extended bout of tediousnessness will give you more forced bonding time with the worst enemies in the game: Silicone Rubber Armadillos, Flambie the Vultures, Skuladena O'Possums, and of course this terrible stage's awful namesakes, Non-Copyright-Infringing Spine-Covered Vibrating Wooden Turtles and Non-Copyright-Infringing Buzzy Non-Insectoid Vibrating Wooden Turtles. The Evolving Science of First Levellery: From the Beachy Jungle to the Foresty Jungle in Only One Year, Give or Take Some Amount of Days Picture it: The year was 1996. Future Jewish person Andy Gavin and the pathetic basement-dweller whom is inexplicably his best friend, Jason Rubin, had the most brilliant idea in the history of that particular day in history. What if they took those beloved side-scrolling mascot platformers of yesteryear (and also that current year too) - the genre which contains such classics as Sonic the Hedgehog, Donkey Kong Country, and Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool - and downgraded them into eye-popping 3D? Andy Gavin thought it was a terrific idea, because he would earn lots of money, that he would then be able to grub. Jason Rubin also liked the idea, since mascot platformers were almost always rated K-A, and his mother forbade him from playing anything of a higher rating, of course. But with adapting a genre to a new paradigm, everyone knows that it's like a shooting gallery - challenges pop up everywhere! (As do women and children and blind guys, but you're obviously supposed to just leave them alone.) As anyone who's ever played Crash Bandicoot and the Legend of the Mediocre First Installment knows, they didn't exactly come up with the best introductory level. N. Sanity Beach had this crate bridge in it that was, like, so hard! And the rest of it was, like, so boring! Though Jasondy Gavrubin defended the level publicly, it's no secret that it was secretly their secret shame. When the time came to make a half-assed sequel, Gavin Not-DeGraw and Rubin Not-Studdard vowed not to embarrass themselves with an unpolished first level again. They swore to their respective deities (Streisand for Andy, Mama Rubin for Jason) that they would put at least three-quarters of their asses into this particular level! Gav-a-Lav-a-Ding-Dong knew that there was only one way to ensure they knew what they were doing - a consult with the pope of programming, the master of memory, the sex-pervert of silicon, Mr. Mark Cerny! Obviously, he's a busy man, but eventually they managed to score an appointment with him, by dressing up as sexy ladies. Cerny was disappointed to discover that they weren't sexy ladies after all, but rather, Blandy Gavin and Waste-of-Space-on Rubin, but after they explained to him how having a terrific first level in the game was extremely important to his ability to make money off of it, he quickly changed his tune. He needed to help, because he likes the money! Extravagant possessions make it easier to convince sexy ladies who actually are real ladies to have the sex with him, and also, to afford good lawyers should they still inexplicably refuse. Mark Cerny layed out his design philosophy for the boys as simply and clearly as he possibly could. Basically, creating a good first level is just like making sweet love to a sexy lady. But Rube Gavinberg didn't understand this at all - they're not fancy scholars in that area like the Markaeologist is, after all! So, he decided they needed further explanation....with visual aids! Mark Cerny called up his good friend, Linda "Mama" Rubin, who came over in a flash. On her, Mark Cerny demonstrated the basic principles of how to make a smashingly successful first level. You've gotta start out slow and easylike, so it's not too overwhelming for her - that is to say, you make the basic run-through easy for first-timers. But then, once she's more into the swing of things, you give a hard, vicious, full-body pound deep into her top-secret hole - that is to say, hide something nice and hard inside a specially marked hole in the level! And to finish off the sex process, after you climax, you deny her the same pleasure, as Jesus intended - that is to say, make the player clear the stage without giving even one crate a Crashgasm! Andy Gavin was horrified by this entire display, but Jason Rubin found it oddly alluring, much to his mother's chagrin. Using their newfound wisdom, Jandy Ravin and Ason Gubin were able to order their low-level developer underlings to design a firsty level, far surpassing N. Sanity Beach, for the gruesome half-Jewsome twosome to take credit for. (Fortunately, they were never able to parley this wisdom into mating with lady women and starting a family. Can you imagine how terrible it would be to have more dirty little Jewish stereotypes and miniature Oedipi running around? Oy!) It was so good, they thought, that they didn't have to put in any effort at all for the first level of the next game in the series, Crash Bandicoot IN SPAAAAAAACE AND ALSO TIIIIIIIIME!. This is, of course, why Toad Village is a notorious piece of shit. Okay, maybe I'm being a little too harsh on it. But, at the very least, can we agree that it was Medi-ocre at best? (Yes. That's the joke I choose to end this on. For seriouses.) Trivia *This level's name is a clever pun on the name of real-world golf athlete Tiger Woods, who was just coming to national prominence when this game was released. Coincidentally, Tiger Woods would later become infamous for having sex affairs with far too many loose women, just as the Crash series would later be in the hands of far too many different loose developers. The "turtle" part is presumably in reference to the defensive strategizing required to clear the dangerous secret route. *The game hints at the existence of the Blue Gem in this stage by rendering the crate tally at the end of the stage as "(number of crates obtained)/0" on each playthrough of the level after the player obtains the Clear Gem. However, mathematically, zero cannot be the denominator in a fraction, a rare and soul-crushing lapse in continuity on the part of Naughty Dog. Most of the series' grossest and nerdiest fans hope this is fixed when this game is remade. *Bizarrely, the trap door to the Secret Route requires a belly flop to open, whereas the trap door to the Bonus Round breaks open the moment an orange mammal so much as tiptoes onto it. It is never explained why the trap doors function differently, but it can be safely presumed that the Three Islands Vibrating Wooden Turtle Coalition Corporation, Limited Edition simply couldn't afford to shell out enough money for two of the deluxe models. *This is the only level in the entirety of the series in which Flamingostriches appear. Incidentally, because they only appear in one stage of a long-running series, it has become virtually unanimous within professional Crashie fan communities to refer to the Flamingostrich as "the Frank Grimes of the Crashie series".